steelartisan: (sometimes you get discouraged)
[personal profile] steelartisan
He thought about going to Milliways. Outside. There is water there, and trees, and horses, and grass that could almost be a field.

But there's a crowded room in between, and the last thing he wants to see is more people. Friends will be concerned, and strangers will be curious, and -- no.

He can't explain. To anyone. Not yet.

There is no art in him. And if he lets himself move to push or hit anything, something will shatter. Himself or the walls or whatever is in front of him.

He is on Serenity's bridge, hunched in the tiny area in front of the pilot's console, looking up at the stars.

There are so many of them.

He has no idea how long it's been since he left Simon's infirmary.

Date: 2007-08-26 06:05 am (UTC)
prydeful: (hair and shoulder)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
Kate's not as drunk as she wants to be.

But she's generally inebriated, as she walks in and looks at Piotr in silence for a minute.

Part of it is to remember how to be solid.

"Hey." Just that, as she moves forward enough to see his face.

Date: 2007-08-26 06:27 am (UTC)
prydeful: (hair and shoulder)
From: [personal profile] prydeful

She wants to smile.

She can't.

"...I'm kinda drunk," she admits after a pause.

"Simon and I fought the scotch. I'm not sure who won." Her smile's there, then, and crooked. "Song could be about Mal, huh? Or change 'law' to 'odds' and it's us."

And then the smile's gone.

"I don't know what to do, Piotr."

Date: 2007-08-26 07:09 am (UTC)
prydeful: (gone like that)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
It takes her two tries to make her hand not slip through his.

But she manages it, and then she's clutching it.

"We can't have a baby," she whispers after a minute, and when Kate looks up at him she looks younger than she has in years, looks like the girl who woke up from nightmares about dying and thought she would before she ever made love. Looks like she's lost, and the simplest reason for that is that she feels like she is.

"We can't ever have one."

Date: 2007-08-26 07:26 am (UTC)
prydeful: (hair and shoulder)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
"I did too," she whispers back. "I wanted our family. I wanted to see him. You and me and him binding us all. I wanted our baby. I did. Maybe I wanted for some reasons that were wrong, but I did."

She's not sure why she feels like she has to say it so much, to make sure he knows it's true.

Maybe because it's all they're going to have.

"I didn't know. When I said we'd try. I didn't know. I wouldn't have asked any of it if I'd known," Kate manages, miserably.

Date: 2007-08-26 08:01 am (UTC)
prydeful: (hair and shoulder)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
"I'm sorry."

It's not her fault. It's not. She didn't know.

But she wishes she'd never opened his sketchbook.

"I'm sorry, Piotr. I wanted to--I wanted to keep you," she manages. "To not--with your great-grandfather, I never wanted to see you and see him. I wanted to spare you that. And I just," and now she's crying, "wanted our baby. I wanted our baby when I was fourteen and I was stupid and a kid but I still want him now. And maybe if I hadn't--if we'd gotten together sooner we could have him. I don't know. I don't know. I'm so sorry. I want our baby and I'm sorry and I don't know what to do and I can't grieve what we never had but I want to."

Date: 2007-08-26 08:40 am (UTC)
prydeful: (hair and shoulder)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
"I wasn't going to. Ever. Because I'm--I'm Shadowcat and I don't want to stop being Shadowcat and that wouldn't be fair to a baby. And it sucks to be a mutant. But--but it's you. You and me. And I couldn't with anyone else and with you I couldn't not, but it won't happen anyway."

She's crying harder than she realizes, as her hands fist on his shirt and she won't let herself phase now, won't let go.

"This isn't fair. It isn't fair. We keep losing things and next I'll lose you again and this isn't fair."

The last is louder than it should be, and then she's pressing her face to his shirt and just crying and clinging and whispering through it don't leave me.

Date: 2007-08-26 09:18 am (UTC)
prydeful: (Wanted Most)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
"But you always do."

Three times. Four.

She can't count it.

"I hate this. I hate this so much. I want to kill her and I want to kill Pietro and I want to make it better and we can't."

For the first time she feels like Kitty instead of Kate, and it's funny because she knows that's just because of how badly this hurts.

It's hard not to feel young right now.

"I'm sorry," she whispers again and curls against his chest, closes her eyes and doesn't loosen her grip on his shirt.

"I want you."

In every way ever that's true, and so it matters to say.

Date: 2007-08-26 09:48 am (UTC)
prydeful: (Wanted Most)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
She's breathing shakily, and then she's whispering, "We need to get out of here. Someone'll--this isn't private."

She doesn't know what they'll do in private, really, that they're not already doing here.

But. But. But.

(And part of her thinks, I want you and wants to feel his body moving above hers, skin on skin, and part of her can't stand the thought, and all of her doesn't know if she should ask that now.)

Date: 2007-08-26 08:19 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
"Then I just want to be alone with you," she whispers after a pause, "and not worry about anyone seeing us."

Date: 2007-08-26 09:13 pm (UTC)
prydeful: (hair and shoulder)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
It's a useful skill.

Especially now, and Kate's grateful that they make it to the bunk without running into anyone.

And she doesn't need to be carried, but sometimes--sometimes she feels better knowing she can let him.

Now's one of those times, as they settle on the bunk and she rests her head on his shoulder.

Date: 2007-08-27 01:51 am (UTC)
prydeful: (hair and shoulder)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
For a long time she's silent.

It's tempting to nod off like this, in some ways, and instead she makes herself focus a bit. Enough to say, eventually, "I don't know what I want anymore."

Date: 2007-08-27 03:24 am (UTC)
prydeful: (Wanted Most)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
"I don't know. I don't know if we should even have tried. I don't know if I just--if I was a selfish bitch who--I don't know. I don't know what I want now. I just know what I can't have. And part of me wants it desperately and part of me thinks this is the best and I don't know.

"I know I want you. That much. But that's it."

Date: 2007-08-27 03:53 am (UTC)
prydeful: (hair and shoulder)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
She can't help but snort a bit at the first words.

"You and I both know I can be. I try," she adds in a whisper.

We wanted a baby he says and Kate closes her eyes tightly.

"Why can't we have anything normal, Piotr? Why can't we have--why is it us?"

Date: 2007-08-27 04:21 am (UTC)
prydeful: (hair and shoulder)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
"I'm starting to hate those words."

Kate smooths a hand over his shirt, tiredly.

"It's so stupid. All of it."

She wants.

She doesn't want.

She wants and can't have.

She doesn't know which it is, or maybe it's all, and it's too much and not fair.

"Can we still have sex?"

Date: 2007-08-27 04:39 am (UTC)
prydeful: (Wanted Most)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
She nods, a little, without lifting her head.

And then she whispers, "Can we now?"

Date: 2007-08-27 05:04 am (UTC)
prydeful: (Wanted Most)
From: [personal profile] prydeful
Kate closes her eyes again and leans into his kisses, sighing shakily and turning her own head to kiss his neck.

It's horrible, and she knows it, and it's going to hurt her heart.

But he's here. And not leaving. And that matters, and she needs to believe, she needs, that it's going to get better.

Not tonight, but--

But it's Piotr, so she puffs warm air against his jaw before mouthing his skin and pulls him closer. She thinks it's closer. As close as she can, anyway, her own arms tightening to match his.

"I love you."


steelartisan: (Default)
Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin

October 2011

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